Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Chapter 10 - the true story of the beginning of the end

"Can I keep him? Please! Please! Please! I promise I will take care of him, feed him and all… pleaaaaeseeee!"

And that’s how Adam with those Me-awful puppy eyes came into our world. He frolicked around in his native state – learning all the tricks, teaching Eve a few. He soon made a place for himself in everybody’s heart. But he was always Eve’s favourite. True to her promise she looked after him – but she never did learn to say No to him. Those puppy eyes, those perked up ears, he did it all with a smile on that furry face … and she was blamed for all his misbehavior. After all, he was her pet.  

There was only one that couldn't stand Adam was Serpy. That devious Reptile! But can one really blame him? He was Eve’s only companion before Adam appeared. It was a classic case of sibling rivalry. I have seen it happen again and again. Cain and Abel went the same way and so did many more after them. But coming back to the story. Serpy tempted Adam with the one thing that was forbidden to him – never climb the apple tree. Adam, good pet that he was, didn’t. But neither could he stop yearning after those me-damned apples. So he turned to Eve – and Eve hapless against his drooping face, gave one to him.

What could I do? I had forbidden it. They had to be punished. Otherwise we would have Adam on the apple tree all the time and soon there would be no apple tree left. And what would Eden be without its apple tree?  Or earth for that matter. I had seen what the mortal Newton would do – it all depended on the apple tree. No. I could not let Adam climb the apple tree again. He had to be punished. And so did Eve.

So I banished them both. How I wish I had not given in to Eve’s pleadings and not let that boy in. But then I too had a father’s heart. Serpy came crawling to me full of repentance. But the harm was done. Eden was left empty and Serpy all alone.



Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Chapter 9


I decided I needed a break from all the human-business. So I took a break – with so many prayers pending anyway, no one will notice if I slipped off for a couple of light years. And even if they did, who are they gonna complain to, anyway? The only problem was where to go. I decided to creating a new world would just be easier than dealing with inter-heavenly travel. So I did. So there I was, in a new world. No humans, no supreme beings looking over my shoulder and no Satan. Actually I kinda miss him, he is quite good company when he is not trying to s***w me. And I have bought all the dogs over from heaven here. And some cats. I like cats. Though they do seem to like Lucifer more. Thing is a break is all nice and good, but it does tend to get a tad bit boring here. There’s no one to save, no prophets to instruct and no evil to be punished. I think I will call the old gang over, Serpy, Adam, Eve.. make a proper re-union of it. What do you think?

Chapter 8


Somebody called upon me again – he said, Everybody is making his life miserable – wife nags at home, boss rants at office and the rest of the world hoots at him on the way. Everybody claims its Nobody’s fault. But Nobody says that Somebody started it. Somebody is now out of reach – and I am out of my 5 allowed sms’.

Chapter 7


Idiosyncrasy thou name is humans. Sometimes I wonder at the sheer wonder of what I have created. And they are wonderful you know – their imagination exceeds even my widest creations. And their faith…Oh don’t even get me started on the things they believe in and what they don’t.

I never stop wondering at their ability to believe in me and Lucifer – beings they have never seen or heard – except of course after they are dead.They can see and hear us then but strangely enough don’t appear to believe in us much in their afterlife.

Well I shouldn't be surprised – it’s a habit they inculcate while they live.

Like I was saying it never stops to surprise me how they can believe in me in all my forms and fantasies but opt not to believe in the fellow humans around.

Traffic job annoying? Curse God

Want a raise? – Pray to God

Like a girl? Turn to God

Dude! She’s sitting right next to you. Just turn aside and speak to her for my sake. Sometimes I feel like Frankenstein … not the monster.. the doctor who create the monster… mister you should have asked me before you tried that trick. I know what it feels like when your creation turns on you… Tsk! Tsk! Sorry for the rant guys but even I have my bad days and unlike you I simply cannot turn to god for help. Maybe i should call Satan - he will at least get a laugh out of it.

Chapter 6


It had been eons since we all met (literally) and we decided it was time for a reunion. So we all met in the Netherlands the other day (let’s face it, heaven is really not a party place.) It was a blast. But things have surely changed. Adam and Eve are divorced. Adam is now in a relationship with Crawly the Serpent. Eve is a model for Playboy and Cain and Abel have swapped their acrimonious relationship in favour of an incestuous one. Lucifer says this horrible state of affairs should have been his handiwork and is upset that he had no role to play in the way events unfolded. I say “Live and Let Live.” What happens when they eventually die is another matter altogether. Noah couldn’t make it. He is busy modifying his ark but he sent a note saying he was all ready for the next great flood. Sweet! I like it when people stick to the old ways. The four horsemen couldn’t make it either. Apparently such a long journey was proclaimed an act of cruelty by the Equine Preservation Association. All in all it was a good party. The angels got roaring drunk. The hellizens had a devil of a time clearing up. God Jr. finally thinks that I am cool and Lucifer is sulking because the Hell police are after him for partying after hours. Painting hell blue felt real good. We should do this again. Oh, I almost forgot. The apple tree now lives in Narnia and is finally happy. He says the Ice Queen has no problems with anyone plucking and biting his apples. Good for him.

Chapter 5


Sorry folks for the long wait, but it’s been busy as hell up here. Actually that’s a misnomer – Hell’s really chilled out right now. You see people are dying right, left and centre and their claim is that since they have had a chaotic life, they deserve a peaceful afterlife. I can’t very well refuse, you know. It’s in the policy Get born + lead a sad life without complaint – get a great afterlife free! (I sent my lawyer to hell for agreeing to that deal) Anyway, so that’s what’s kept me busy. I asked Lucifer to lend me a politician or two (their presence is enough to dissuade mortals from entering the golden gates of heaven) but he flatly refused. He says Hell’s never been better. The elements of torture conjured up by these delightful men and women are well beyond even his imagination. What's more they have made a profit for the netherwords by making hell a great tourist destination. Since the image of mortals in a state of perpetual angst make fabulous human interest stories, the journalist are having a field day – but no-one wants to stay beyond closing hours, so its chilled out at night. So there’s Lucifer shining under the halo of “creating the best tourist detination” and ejoying a leisurely night out with the rich and elite crowd of mortals. And here I am burdened with complaints of overpopulation, lack of amenities et al. God Help me! Hold on, that’s me. Damn!

Chapter 4


You gotta hand it to these mortals. They have figured out one statement that absolves them from blame in everything and anything they do or don’t do. “It’s not my fault”. And surprisingly, it never is. In the beginning it’s the parents’ fault, then it’s their friends’/spouse’s/ guy-on-the-street/dog-that- peed-on-the-sidewalk/the-blind-man-in- the-next-street etc etc etc’s fault. If that does not work it’s the Government’s fault who says it’s the fault of the not so friendly neighboring country’s fault, who says it’s the fault of the USA. (USA of course does not blame anybody it just puts its nose in the air and ignores everyone). And then of course there’s me. I appear to be the quintessential punching bag for the world below. If you can’t find anyone to blame, it’s Mr God’s fault. Of course it is. I personally went and wrenched off the tap at Somebody’s house so that he could get late to office and get shouted at by his boss which made him scream at his wife which is why she left him Coz that’s what I do. I spend all eternity scheming how to make everybody’s life down there a living hell. That reminds me Lucifer called, he says it’s my fault that hell has space issues. Apparently if I had done my job well, people would not screw up so much and hence would be here with me and not sharing hell with him. He says I should spend more time showing people to be good. Dude how can I? My time’s taken up wrenching off people’s taps! Remember?